Author: kmhyden

God’s Peace

There’s something to be said for truly and fully giving your grief over a loss to God.

Last week, we held our annual women’s retreat in Ruidoso, NM. One of the breakout sessions I attended was on the subject of releasing your grief to God over a loss suffered directly or indirectly due to death, sickness, accident, divorce, etc. The part of the class I was most interested was the symbolic balloon release that happened after the class. All the participants were given a balloon and the opportunity to “name their grief” on the balloon. After the balloons were ready, everyone went outside where the class leader said a few words, prayed and then allowed people to release their balloon “only when they were ready to let it all go.”

As many of you already know from earlier blogs, my husband and I lost a baby due to miscarriage earlier this year. Earlier this week, Oct. 30, was the original approximate date given for our baby to be born. I’ll be honest and tell you that I was not looking forward to this date AT ALL!! I compared it to how I felt on Mother’s Day this past year. I was really looking forward to Mother’s Day until I had the miscarriage. It was a pretty rough week leading up to the day, but I did survive it with the help of my husband, family and friends. For Oct. 30, I was expecting myself to be a blithering mess, not able to work for all the tears and sniffles and just not fun to be around for anyone.

But, that was not the case. The day came and went pretty uneventful. I told my husband that evening that I believed it had a lot to do with the balloon release the previous week. I said above that the balloon release was during our “women’s” retreat, but my husband is one of the few men in our church that attend to help us out with heaving lifting, hanging decorations and security during our weekend event. Since I knew he would be there and the loss was shared by both of us, I asked him to do the balloon release with me; something we could do together.

As with others there, we cried, we hugged and held on tight to each other. Letting go of the loss of a child we never met, never got to see, with the exception of the few weeks we saw the baby on the ultrasound monitor, but a baby we loved so much and were ready for the changes the little bundle of joy would bring to our family life was a freeing experience. We both held on to the balloon and when we were both ready to “let go”, we let the balloon named “baby boy Hyden” float into the air…up, up and away into the clouds.

I never expected that experience to be as freeing as it was. And it didn’t really feel “freeing” at the time. But as the retreat ended and I’ve gotten back into the normal busyness of life, this week has also come and gone. I thought of my baby often this week and especially on Wednesday, but never to the point of utter and uncontrollable sadness. I still cry and still get sad, but God has taken my grief and replaced it with His peace. The kind of peace only He provides.

“Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything you can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” ~Philippians 4:7 (NLT)

The Master’s Plan

Many of you know that earlier this year, my husband and I were expecting our first baby. And then shortly after we found out, I had a miscarriage and we lost the baby. As I’ve gone through this year, I often check the calendar to see where I would’ve been had my pregnancy not ended. With the month of October, the thoughts surround me quite often, as this would’ve been my ninth month of pregnancy. My due date was estimated to the end of October.

Had everything worked out, I’d be preparing to go on maternity leave with my job. For those of you that don’t know, I’m a government employee, too. No one in our office has been furloughed yet, but the impending thought hangs over our office like a very dark cloud. I can’t help but think how much extra stress my husband and I would be feeling right now, if I were about to take my maternity leave, only to realize that all the sick time and vacation time I had saved to cover my maternity leave was about to vanish in the blink of an eye.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

When things happen in our lives that we don’t plan or don’t want to happen, we have a tendency to blame God for those circumstances. We have never once blamed God for the miscarriage we had. We’ve asked “Why?” but never blamed Him. The devil is the one that steals our dreams, kills our hopes and destroys the things we hold dear. But God comes to give us life. And not just life…ABUNDANT LIFE!! The devil may have temporarily stolen a dream from us, but God is going to restore that dream. And not just restore what was stolen…restore it 100-fold!

I can’t help but think this current time I’m enduring at work is a small answer to the “Why?” question. It could just be my own human mind trying to make sense of a tragedy that I suffered. God knows our future. He knows what’s ahead. He sees what we cannot see. God sees the BIG picture. God doesn’t take our future from us; he prepares us for what’s ahead.

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us…” ~Ephesians 3:20

Our dream is soon to be restored and I look forward to that coming day. Right now, I sit and pray and wait expectantly for the “exceedingly abundant” things to come. No matter what our future holds, God is taking care of us, providing for us and preparing the way for the ABUNDANT LIFE He has for us!!

The year of 40

As 2013 is quickly reaching its end, it’s the year that my friends and I all turn 40! When your birthday comes this particular year, everything is black instead of bright party colors. Balloons are black, cake icing is black, and guests wear black to your party; plus, all the cards you receive talk about you being “over the hill.”

Since we’re turning 40 and not 100, what’s with all the black!?!?!!

What is 40, really? It’s a number. When referred to almost anything, it’s just like any other number, representing whatever it’s paired with…minutes, hours, days, weeks, etc. When referred to a person, it becomes an age.

Now that I’m quickly approaching 40, it’s not near as old as I once thought it was. I’m still young! I’m still vibrant! And the hill…well, it just gives me a better vantage point to see all of God’s beautiful creation!!

So, to all my friends that are turning 40 before me, thanks for paving the way! In return, I won’t send you any black balloons, I won’t make any references to your age on Facebook and I won’t send you cards referring to you as “over the hill.” But, I will note that if I do wear black to your party, it’s only because I’m trying to look skinnier, not because I think you’re old!!

P.S. Can someone please remind me of my good humor on turning 40 on June 4, 2014? That will be 24 hours before the BIG 40!!!

Mom

Today, June 20 is my Mom’s birthday.  She’s…well, let’s just say that when you look at her, you won’t believe she has a daughter that’s 39 (which is me)!!  She looks great!!!   And a quick Happy Birthday shout-out to her twin sister, my Aunt Sharon!

 My mom and I have had the typical relationship that you’d find with most mothers & daughters; the kind where we didn’t always agree or didn’t quite see eye-to-eye on everything.  But the one thing I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older…I’m a lot more like her than I’ll probably ever want to admit! 🙂

 I can say that I owe my music ability to my mom.  I tried the sports thing, which would’ve been pleasing to my dad, but I let my sister handle the athletic ability in the family.  I have a picture of my mom & me sitting at a piano in my grandmother’s house. I’m not sure of my age in the picture, but I would guess I was age 4 or 5.  My mom started me out with piano lessons from the 1st grade and I took them through my 6th grade year.  In 6th grade, I joined the band and have been forever known as the band nerd.  Music has been a part of my life ever since then and that all came from my mom. 

 She is the most talented pianist that I have ever seen or heard!  She used to partner with us during my band years for the solo portion of the solo and ensemble competition.  I had the privilege of practicing with my accompanist any time I wanted.  The others often practiced with her for the first time at the competition.  But she’s such a great player that she could sit down at any piano and read the music for the first time and sound wonderful.  If that player didn’t win, it certainly wasn’t because of her!!

 Aside from her incredible piano talent, she can also sing.  She and my dad used to be in the choir in college and also toured with their church on choir trips.  I, however, did not inherit the singing gene like I did the music gene.  Oh well, it’s still fun to listen to her sing harmony when I stand next to her in church.

 My mom is smart and beautiful.  I know I don’t say it very often and probably don’t show it as much as I should, but I love her very much.  God blessed me with an incredible woman for a mother.  My husband and I recently went through a tragedy; one my mother had never experienced.  But that didn’t stop her…she made herself available to me for whatever I needed to cope with the loss we suffered.  I’ve felt a lot closer to her since all of that happened.  I might even refer to my mom as a Super Woman!

 Mom, I hope you have a wonderful birthday today!!  Sorry I can’t spend it with you in person, but I’ll see you in a few weeks.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!  I love you!!!

 Here are some pictures of us throughout the years…

Image   Image   Image   Image    Image    Image    Image    Image    ImageImage 

Resolution #3: Authentically Me

How well do you receive compliments that others give you? For example, when someone compliments your dress, do you say “Thank you” or just smile and walk away? Taking compliments on our material things like clothing and shoes can be easy. But what about when someone compliments you on something physical, like your eyes, your smile, or your beauty…how well do you receive those compliments?

For me, when others compliment my new dress or shoes or a scarf, I’m very quick to say “Thank you.” But when it comes to the other stuff, the compliments are harder to take. Not because I don’t believe they’re authentic or genuine in their compliment, because I know they are. It has more to do with me not feeling confident enough in myself to think someone would notice or even compliment me on a physical attribute of myself.

That’s exactly what this resolution is about…celebrating your uniqueness and esteeming and encouraging the distinctions you admire in others.

While it may be a lot easier to encourage and lift up those around us with words, we have to start with ourselves first for it all to have meaning. In Galatians 5:14 it’s a command by God that we should love our neighbors as we love ourselves. If we look in the mirror every morning in disgust at ourselves, how can we tell others how beautiful they are?

One reason we can and do it consistently is we put more value in others and the beauty and the gifts they have than on our own. While it’s easier to do, it’s also wrong. God created each one of us in His image and with gifts and talents that no one else has. We may have traits and personalities that mirror our parents, but God made each of us unique.

There is no one in the entire world that is exactly like me. I’m one-of-a-kind. I’m unique. And it makes me feel special to know that when God thought of me, He gave me the gifts I have, the talents I have and qualities that make me unique; He also hand-crafted me in His image.

In this chapter of the book, the author says to “take time to uncover and reconnect with these things that truly describe you: your gifts, talents, passions, eccentricities, dislikes, weaknesses, interests and uniqueness—in their rawest, most unspoiled form.”

In order to do that—to find our passions and talents and weaknesses in “their rawest and most unspoiled form”—we have to take a good, hard look at the real us. Not the version of ourselves that attends church each week with a fake smile and happiness so that no one can see we’re hurting deeply inside or we’re wounded from a comment said recently or even years before. We have to take that hurting person deep inside of us and remind her of the authentic and true person she is…the one God created her to be.

When I think about what makes me unique, I have to sit and really think about it. Not because I don’t see myself as unique, but because it takes time to strip away the different layers I’ve put on to hide the real me. We sometimes think that if others see the real us, they won’t really like what they see and they’ll go find other friends. So we put on a different characteristic layer that we see someone else has and make it our own. Then, we find another characteristic layer from another person and add it on. Before we know it, we don’t even recognize our own true self because we’ve hidden her away in a deep, dark closet.

The first step in this journey to finding the authentic you, according to the book, is to enlist the help of a few close friends. I took this first step challenge and enlisted some of my friends. I was very particular in who I asked for this part because I wanted to ask those that had not only known me for a long time, but have seen in me in the rawest of forms. Sometimes friends that have known us for short amounts of time haven’t been around to truly see us through ugly situations. Everyone sees you when we’re happy, but how many of your friends have seen you through a tragedy, a loss, a break-up, or a really messy situation? How many of your friends have seen you when you’re in a bad mood, when you’re having a bad day or when you’ve lost your temper right in front of them? Those are the friends I wanted to ask…the ones that have seen me and been around me on my good days, my bad days and my really ugly and messy days…the days I hope they’ve forgotten about!!

This first step of enlisting friends meant asking them a question: “From your perspective, can you tell me what makes me unique?” I told them they could be brutally honest with me and to not hold anything back. In order to travel this journey, we have to ask the hard questions and be prepared for the answers we receive. I was really kind of surprised by some of the answers I received back. Here are some of the responses I received:

1. Considerate and mindful of everyone I’m around
2. Compassionate; has a good heart and genuine concern for people
3. Friendly to everyone; takes others under my wing for guidance; helping them along their journey to draw closer to God; loyal and trustworthy; mentor
4. Completely loyal and faithful to my church; fully supportive of my husband in his service to the church
5. Crafty, organized, good friend, smart

The responses that really surprised me and caught me a little off guard:

1. I live my faith
2. Gentle optimism, meaning a gentle strength that shows I have total faith in my Heavenly Father to work all things out for my benefit; that I may not always see the glass as half full, but that I see the glass in my Father’s hand
3. Genuine, which by definition means sincere, authentic, free from hypocrisy and true

And the one constructive response I received back:

1. Because of my personality and being a rule follower, sometimes I put the rules above people, but when given more information about the situation, I always come around

We never really know the person that others see in us until we ask. Sometimes we’re afraid to ask because we don’t want to hear the bad stuff; my constructive response from above…hard to read, but definitely true. But, the good thing about it is it doesn’t have to stay that way. While it may be hard to ask questions to find out how others truly see you, it’s what you do with the new information that will matter the most.

The second step in the journey is to take these responses that I received and pinpoint ways that I have either neglected these traits or celebrate them by becoming intentional in honoring my uniqueness going forward. I don’t have to be haughty or arrogant about it. I just need to continue to be myself. I can take the time to really focus and harness these unique qualities and use them for reaching others and telling them about my Heavenly Father. You know…the one that created me in His image!!!

I resolve to accept and celebrate my uniqueness and will esteem and encourage the distinctions I admire in others.

Mother’s Day

Seeing that the day has already passed, it seems a little late to be writing a blog on Mother’s Day. However, not knowing exactly how I was going to get through this day this year, I thought it best to wait and write about it afterwards, which brings me to right now.

In the last few years, I never ever looked forward to Mother’s Day. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother and to have a special day to honor her is always nice. But for me, personally, it wasn’t a day I ever looked forward to.

As I’ve gotten older and my desire to have children and be a mom has increased, seeing a day that is designated to celebrate Mom’s just made me sad for something I didn’t already have.

This year was going to be different. When I found out in late February that I was pregnant, I was so excited that I was finally going to get to celebrate Mother’s Day. I would be about 15-16 weeks when the date rolled around. But as I soon learned, it wasn’t going to happen quite as I had originally envisioned. As many of you know, we had a miscarriage in April and lost our baby at 7 weeks and 1 day.

Up until the actual holiday day, I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to handle it. I found myself to be quite emotional in the days leading up to Mother’s Day. Just the thought of the day or the mention of the day would send me into uncontrollable tears. But, as I am still in mourning over our loss, it’s okay that I cry.

Every Mother’s Day in church, they always have all the moms stand to be recognized, to be prayed over or to be given flowers. When I arrived, I still hadn’t decided how I was going to react and if I was going to stand with the rest of the moms.

But then I realized something, that although my child isn’t physically present with me, it doesn’t diminish the truth that God did bless me and my husband with a child earlier this year. It doesn’t diminish the truth that we are still parents, even though our child is already in heaven. I have nothing to be ashamed of to stand proudly with the other moms and celebrate this day.

So I stood with the rest of them and accepted the prayer that was spoken over all the moms. Then our Pastor’s wife spoke about our sphere of influence. She told us that whether we have children or not, we are all aunts, sisters, leaders and friends. She said we need to look around us to those that we’re around at work, at home, at school, at church or wherever we may be and be a strong influence for those we encounter; to guide those around us, to show them God’s way and to be a light to the dark places around us.

I know that God is going to bless us with children again, when His timing is right. Until then, I’m going to take this lesson and do my best to influence those around me in a positive way. As a wise friend recently told me, I’m also going to let God be in the driver’s seat and give Him complete control over my life. By doing that, I can sit back and enjoy the ride!

Resolution #2: Biblical Femininity

Well, if you read the last resolution that I wrote, you’ll notice the vast difference in dates.  I wrote my thoughts on Resolution #1 back in November 2012 and here we are at the beginning of May 2013.

 

Part of the reason for my delay is the topic of Resolution #2: Biblical Femininity.  WOW!  This was a hard section to get through.  Not necessarily in reading it, but understanding it enough to cultivate my thoughts on how to write about it.  I have now read this section three times!

 

I read it the other day, the third time, and it finally felt like I had some clarity on the subject.  In the world we live in today, it’s hard to balance out the culture of women to keep true to biblical aspects, while living in today’s world of post-feminist ways.

 

Women have not only come a long way from the destructive views that men have placed on us and our place in society, but we’ve also come a long way away from the role God placed on women when He created us.

 

Genesis 1:27 says, “God created man in His own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female He created them.”

 

Being a woman is not a curse.  God didn’t create man to be above or over women.  Yet over time, women have been pushed aside and treated as lesser people.  This was not God’s design.  God’s design for women and the purpose He had when we were created was to come alongside man and be his equal, his partner and his helper.

 

In the book, the author writes, “A Christian woman must resolve to go against the tide.  She must stand for what she believes based on her confidence in the One who has delivered eternal truth to her in writing.  She must return to God’s design and definition for women and then joyfully embrace, accept and experience its blessings.”

 

This is how I want to live my life…by God’s design; the design that He created just for me.  One of those designs is the husband that God brought into my life.  Now we both have the opportunity to live our lives as God designed, as equals.

 

But, God also had another design or plan to help us live our lives the way He intended and it’s called submission.  Submission doesn’t mean that we are giving up ourselves, the freedom to think for ourselves or devaluing any part of ourselves.  Most people hear the word submission and cringe because it’s been taken out of the context in which it was created.  It’s been taken as a way for men to have authority over women, for employees to cower to their employers or for leaders to wield certain expectations from their followers.

 

Submission was never created or meant to be harmful to women or anyone else.  Submission is defined as a decision to yield to people, precepts and principles that have been placed in our lives as authorities.   Yes, submission does give someone authority over us, but not power. 

 

Let’s take my marriage as an example.  My husband has authority over me as God has authority over him.  My husband could look to the world for how he should exert his authority over me, but he doesn’t.  He looks to God for how submission in our marriage should look.  And it looks the way God created it be…for me to be his equal, his partner and his helper.  When big decisions have to be made in our family, my husband doesn’t just make the decision and move on.   He asks for my input because we are partners.  Do we always have the same opinion on issues and situations?  No.  Sometimes we agree on issues and sometimes we don’t.  But since God has given him the authority in our marriage, it’s my husband’s job to make the final call on the decision to be made.  I may not always like the decision that’s been made, but I respect my husband and the position that God has placed him in so I support it regardless of my feelings.

 

When we all live and work under submission as it was created, it “provides a framework in which our potential can truly flourish.”  Submission is a choice.  We can choose to live true to it and the role it should have in our lives or to rebel against it and live with the consequences that brings.  

 

In resolving to champion the biblical model for womanhood, we must recognize that we are God’s creation, created in His image and powered by His love and grace.  It doesn’t matter how the world views women and their place in society.  It matters how our Creator sees us and that we choose to live our life for Him.

 

Freedom and peace await “every woman who aligns herself with God’s design.”  What kind of woman are you going to be?

 

Curveballs of Life

In baseball terms, a curveball is a type of pitch thrown with a characteristic grip and hand movement that imparts forward spin to the ball causing it to dive in a downward path as it approaches the plate. There’s also an expression “to throw a curveball” essentially meaning a significant deviation to a preceding concept.

I use the term as to say “a slight or quick shift in the normal happenings of life” or another, easier way to say it, I guess, would be “to have the rug pulled out from underneath you.” Anyway you say it, you’re basically meaning that life has shifted unexpectedly and left you with many unanswered questions. If we’re left in this state too long, forgiveness and bitterness begin to creep into our existence making it harder, and many times, more impossible, to move on from this point in our lives.

I, though, am choosing to look to God through the recent circumstance that has “thrown a curveball” into the normal, steady life of me and my husband.

As a young girl, I had the same dreams as many other young girls: grow up, get married to a very handsome man and have lots of children and live happily ever after! For the past ten years, I have been happily married to a very handsome man. And I’ve been patiently (well, trying to be) waiting to be a Mom.

I’ve had many, many friends have their babies and begin to raise their families. I’ve hosted countless baby showers for those friends, all the while wondering, “when will it be MY turn!?!” I’ve prayed, I’ve fasted and every time, the same request: “Please God, when it’s our turn, I pray that we get pregnant right away, the first time so that we can start our family with our healthy and beautiful triplet boys.” Same prayer, all the time, never changing.

Lately, I had been noticing a few different and unusual things going on in my body, so I decided I’d take a home pregnancy test to see if my assumptions were correct. I was working from home one day, so I decided it would be a good day to try a pregnancy test since I had the whole day to test my theory, with no one around, just in case I was wrong. Well, two (yep, had to double-check my initial findings) pregnancy tests later and I was ecstatic with overwhelming joy & no one to tell (the downside of being home alone)!

I started by praising God for giving me this miracle that I had dreamed of for so long. I called the doctor’s office to schedule an appointment for the official test (this was my first time and I wanted to be 100% sure). Then, I plotted on the correct time and method to tell my husband. Should I wait for doctor confirmation, just in case? Or should I tell him when he gets home from work?

Well, it’s hard for me to keep really exciting secrets like this, so I had to tell him…it was just too much to hold in. It was bad enough I was going to my workout class the next morning and wasn’t telling my friends; I at least had to go ahead and tell my husband. Needless to say, he was as overwhelmed and excited as me…a dream come true that we had always wanted!

The next day I went to the doctor, received the confirmation I needed and was then given booklets upon pamphlets of useful pregnancy knowledge I wasn’t currently aware of. I called my husband on the phone after the appointment to give him the good news and found myself speechless and crying; so much joy, I couldn’t even process it all. We called our families the next day, crying as we told them. Then, we told all of our friends at church the day after that.

There were screams of excitement, screeches of joy and tears of happiness at our news. Our friends were just as excited as we were to start this new adventure; chatterings of baby showers and decorations and themes began to circle around. Everyone was excited and everyone was ready to see us through our journey.

Our first ultrasound appointment was scheduled for two weeks from my initial visit to the doctor’s office. I was told at that initial appointment that I was 5weeks and 2 days already. By the time my appointment would roll around, I would be one day shy of 8 weeks. My husband and I were so excited because we were going to hear our baby’s heartbeat for the very first time!

I signed up for every baby website I could find. I tracked the status of our baby’s size week by week. I believe at 7 weeks, he (faith speaking) was the size of a blueberry. We had a lot of fun with the weekly updates, learning the size of our baby from week-to-week, seeing what was developing each week. We were fully enjoying all the aspects of being pregnant. I was certainly feeling all the aspects of being pregnant; nausea (no morning sickness, though, yea!), extreme tiredness and always hungry.

The day of our first ultrasound appointment had finally arrived. We saw the baby on the screen; we could actually make out the head, arms and legs…it was really small, but really cool. We were disappointed, though, when the ultrasound tech couldn’t locate a heartbeat. She measured the baby to be smaller than initially claimed, so instead of being almost 8 weeks, I was closer to 7 weeks and 1 day. The doctor decided to give it another week and we set another ultrasound appointment for the following week.

We were pretty disappointed about the heartbeat at first. Many of my friends told me that it was common not to hear the heartbeat at 7 weeks. Even though the heart starts beating at 6 weeks, it was still a common thing to not hear it until much later; more like between 8-10 weeks. We were relieved to hear that! The rest of the week went by very uneventful.

We went to our next ultrasound appointment the following week, excited to finally hear the baby’s heartbeat. We went through the same process as the previous week, with the same result…still no audible heartbeat. This time, we were armed with information that it could still be too early to hear the heartbeat, so we were unfazed. Until we met with the doctor after the ultrasound and she told us the baby hadn’t grown at all in the week since our last appointment. I was still measuring at exactly 7 weeks and 1 day.

I’m not sure of my husband’s thought process at that exact moment, but my mind was still searching for possibilities and reasons everything was still okay and that this was normal. The doctor was trying to be reassuring, but she had the sad, puppy-dog face going so it was hard to find the normalcy and the “everything is still going to be okay” attitude that I was trying so hard to maintain. She told us she wanted me to get two blood tests done, to check my hormone levels, which in her opinion, were dropping. The blood tests, in her not-so-subtle terms, were a final determination that we had experienced a miscarriage and our baby was gone.

We left the doctor’s office and went on what seemed at the time, a scavenger hunt of labs in the area for my blood tests. After locating a lab office after our 5th location try, I had my blood drawn. According to the medical form I had to take with me to the lab, the results were requested as “STAT!”; seriously, it was written in all caps, exclamation point and circled about 6 times…they were serious about getting the results fast! I was told to go back to the same lab again, two days later, for the same blood test with the same request of “STAT!”

We went back to the doctor’s office after the first blood test to retrieve my husband’s truck so we could each go back to work. As we sat in my car, the heaviness of what we’d been told finally took effect on us and we can began to sob in each others’ arms. How could the one thing we had waited on, for so long, be slowly ripping away from us at such a quick pace?

We sat there for a while, just holding each other, crying and wondering how the tables had turned so quickly. Seriously, where did that stinkin’ curveball come from? Many of our friends knew our appointment was that day, so I was beginning to get texts from them asking how it went. My husband and I parted ways and went back to work; but only after I assured him I was going to be okay. Well, I guess I was wrong…those feelings were way more than I could handle. I cried all the way back to work and I cried in the parking lot of my work. I ignored every text I got from friends and family. And when the texts went unanswered and my friends began calling, I ignored those as well. I hadn’t even come to grips with what the doctor told us and there was no way I could verbalize, much less, text to someone and tell them.

While I was back at work, trying to keep to myself and finish the day, I finally emailed my Mom. I gave her a brief synopsis of what the doctor told us and told her I just couldn’t talk right now. She responded by saying she was “so very sorry” and to call when I could. One of my co-workers stopped by my desk to ask about the appointment. When I told her it was “fine” and never turned my head, she knew something was wrong. The only words it took after that were, “Are you sure?” and I turned my head to her and simply said, “No.” My tears were uncontrollable after that and she just hugged me like a Mom would and let me cry it out. She didn’t ask for details, she just let me cry it out and then left me alone. After that, I left work early and went home. I couldn’t even make it out of my car in the driveway without crying uncontrollably for what seemed like an eternity. I finally found enough courage to text a couple of my closest friends to tell them what I’d told my Mom and then I went to bed and cried some more.

Friends had dinner delivered to us later that evening, but we still kept mostly to ourselves. I did manage to go to work the next day, but it was a nice relief because my co-worker had informed the rest that things were not good and not to disturb me with appointment questions. We did experience a glimmer of hope later in the week after the second blood test. Two days after my initial blood test, I went back for the second test. My doctor’s office called later that morning to say that my hormone levels were going up, instead of down, which turned out to be a good thing. There was still hope and they set another ultrasound appointment for the first part of the following week. If the baby showed signs of growth, there were positive possibilities that we could continue with my pregnancy. But, if the baby didn’t grow still, we were pretty much done.

It’s amazing what the smallest glimmer of hope can give you; it definitely renewed my faith in the impossibilities of life. The tiniest of miracles that God can work were within our reach and I was excited to see what the next week held. I sent a text to our families and a small group of my closest friends with our exciting news. We were all praying, believing and looking forward to the next appointment.

The next appointment finally rolled around and we took a final peek at our baby. Sadly, the news was the same, the baby hadn’t grown and I was still measuring at 7 weeks and 1 day. The doctor gave us our options and we decided to give it a few days to see if my body would naturally “do its thing” or if I would have to schedule another appointment to finish out the process.

We relayed the news to our family and friends and began the waiting game to see what our next step would be. This time, the appointment didn’t seem so rough. The initial shock had worn off from our last appointment and we were just left with our feelings of sadness and loss.

My body ended up not taking care of the natural process, so I scheduled an appointment to have everything removed. The procedure was quick and uneventful, but provided me a day of much-needed rest. Now, we’re just waiting on a follow-up appointment with my doctor to clear us so that we can start over again.

Curveballs come through our lives when we least expect them. There’s really no way to prevent them, but we can overcome them. The only way I know how to overcome them is by having God a daily part of my life. With Him, curveballs come and go, lessons are learned and life moves forward. With Him, the life moving forward part is so much easier and peaceful and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Rest in peace, Baby Hyden! God took you home at 7 weeks and 1 day, but we know we’ll see you again very soon. Mommy & Daddy love you & miss you so very much!!

Sonogram Pic 2

Resolution #1: Contentment

I’ve just recently started reading a book that I had tried to start many months ago. It’s called “The Resolution for Women”. If you’ve seen the movie Courageous, then you’re probably familiar with The Resolution. The movie focuses on the desire of men to live up to the example of what a godly man/husband/father is in the Bible. If you haven’t seen it yet, I don’t want to ruin it for you, except to say that you definitely need to see it. I thought it was the best movie that Sherwood Baptist Church has made so far.

Anyway, the producers of the movie wrote a book to go along with the movie called “The Resolution”. Many men in our church have gone through or are currently working through the bible study class, my husband being one of them. The producers also wanted a companion book for women to go along with the men’s book, so they asked one of my favorite authors, Priscilla Shirer, to write the women’s book. Honestly, I bought the book only because it was written by her. Here’s another plug, if you’ve never read one of her books or listened to her speak; I promise you, you will NOT be disappointed! I heard her at a women’s conference in Dallas a few years ago. I hadn’t heard of her before that, but I was completely blown away! She is now one of my absolute favorite godly women to listen to and to read.

Back to my book…it contains 13 different resolutions to help us (women) live “committed to what matters most.” I’ve decided that as I read each resolution section, I’m going to write a blog about it, for several reasons. First, it will keep me committed to reading the book on a regular basis, sort of like an accountability partner, if you will. Second, it will keep me accountable (there’s that fun word again) to really living out each resolution in my life; to purposefully live out each resolution and live it with passion and conviction.

With that being said (you know, I really do dislike that transitional statement…oh well), here’s to my blog on Resolution #1.

Resolution #1 says, “I do solemnly resolve to embrace my current season of life and will maximize my time in it. I will resist the urge to hurry through or circumvent any portion of my journey but will live with a spirit of contentment.”

Let me start by saying, “OUCH!!!” You know, I think that’s why I put the book down the last time I tried to start it. Contentment. Such an easy word really, but to put it into practice in your life,…not easy at all. Well, not for me anyway.

Being content in my life right now, means that I need to be happy about each part of my life in this season. I should appreciate that it’s only me and my husband; that we have the freedom to go anywhere, at any time, with anyone without the obligation of either leaving children at home with a babysitter or not going anywhere at all. I should also appreciate that I have other family members living with us right now; family that my husband and I can bless and sow into while they are with us. I should appreciate that I have the freedom to be involved in the women’s ministry at my church; to teach a bible study class each week; and to worship God with the talent and ability He gave me in the piano and the trumpet. I should appreciate that I have the ability to get up early, early in the morning ( 5:15 AM class, yep, early) and workout with my friends and take care of my health.

To me, fulfilling this first resolution to live my life in contentment means that not only should I appreciate all of the areas I listed above, but that I WILL.

I resolve to be content in the current season of my life and live it to the fullest. Only God knows what lies ahead, so I WILL be content and passionate with my life so that I can be fully prepared for what God has in store for me and my family.

Hello world!

Hello Everyone!  Welcome to my blog!  I’ve been wanting to start a blog for a very long time and finally took the leap.

I think what took me the longest in deciding, was finding an appropriate name for my blog. As you can see, I chose “living by faith.”  Let me start by saying that this is something that I work on every single day and have no way perfected it!  But, as my pastor says, “Call those things that be not, as though they are.” (Romans 4:17)  Hopefully, I can do that and live my life by faith on a daily basis, giving everything to God.

Anyway, I’ll be posting blogs from time to time and I hope you enjoy them.

Thanks for reading!!

Kara =)