Sweet Daisy

Last week we experienced the loss of our family pet, our sweet Daisy. We had Daisy more than 10 years and she was as much a member of our family as any human. I know some people don’t think of their pet as family, but we did!! When we went on trips, she usually went with us. When checking hotels, we always checked for pet-friendly.

There are so many things about Daisy that I’ll always remember. She hated cats with a passion! She always barked & tried to chase our neighbor’s cat when she saw him. Once, my husband found her after she had “found” the cat…she had the cat pinned to the ground underneath her paw. She wouldn’t hurt any animal, but she would bark at them like she meant business. When we first got Daisy, she would run like crazy around the house. She could go from 0 to 90 in a matter of seconds. She’d zoom around the living room, out the doggy door, run the fence while barking at the neighbor dog, zoom back into the house and soar over the side of the couch like it was six inches off the ground!

She also had a love of chocolate! Yes, we know dogs aren’t supposed to have chocolate, but this dog had a stomach of steel! She was known to get chocolate out of jackets (I have a hole in a pocket to prove that), off the kitchen table, from the bar behind the couch and then anywhere else you left it without remembering to place it up high. This one Christmas we had given my mother-in-law a coffee basket with chocolate truffles. These weren’t just any truffles, they were the kind you got from the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory…they were huge and there were six of them. We had opened the gifts at my mother-in-law’s house that morning and then went to another family member’s house for the rest of the day. When we got back that evening, the basket was on the floor, some of the coffee ripped open and the white sack with the truffles…ripped to shreds…and EMPTY!! We checked on Daisy and her stomach was so full. She looked miserable and she didn’t eat anything else for a while, but she was just fine. That was several years ago and we still laugh about that every Christmas.

Another food item she loved was ice cream. Any time any of us had ice cream, she had to have some. We got to where we just fixed a bowl for her when we had it. There was a time I was scooping ice cream for the two of us. The ice cream was still pretty solid, so when I scooped it out, it popped off of my scoop and was headed to the floor…except that it never hit the floor. I looked down and Daisy had caught the very generously-sized scoop of ice cream in her mouth! 🙂

There are so many great memories of our sweet Daisy. I like to believe that she’s not alone in heaven…that she has a special little boy to play with. I like to believe that she and this little boy chase each other around and play all day and the he rubs her belly at night, just like my husband did every night before he went to sleep. I like to believe that these two will keep each other company until we see them both again one day.

Matthew 5:4 (MSG), “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.”

Here are a few of our favorite pictures of Daisy…

We love you so much Daisy and we miss you like crazy!!! ❤

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

Picture this: you’re focused, you’re driven, you’ve set your sights on a dream you’ve had for a very long time and you can see this dream finally coming true after years and years of prayer and wishing and hoping…you’re like a racecar driver on the final lap of the big race and you’re in first place…you can see the finish line and in a few more feet, you’ll not only have touched it, but crossed over. In your peripheral view, you see the flag guy, but instead of the checkered flag in his hand, you see a yellow caution flag. You think to yourself, “What is that? There’s no one in front of me…I can see the finish line and I’m the only one.” But he’s waving the flag anyway and telling you to slow down. So you make a split second decision and decide to push through anyway because you know that nothing can stop you now…you’re so close and then….BAM!!!!

That was my 2014!!!!

Oh how happy I am to see 2014 in my rear view mirror!! I don’t think I’ve ever been more excited to see one year end and another fresh, New Year begin!

Now that you have a great picture in your brain, let me explain what it all means.

My husband and I have long desired to have children and grow our family. We were given that dream a few years ago, only for it to be snatched away a few short weeks later through a miscarriage. As we are both not the spring chickens we once were, my doctor suggested I visit a fertility doctor. My husband didn’t really see a need for this as we were able to get pregnant once before. But, I thought it best to go and see what the doctor had to say and get things checked out…you know, just in case.

The initial appointments went good. There were a few minor things I needed to adjust, like my diet and exercise. After getting all of this adjusted, I was set to go in for an outpatient procedure as one final check to make sure everything was working properly and nothing was out of whack, so that we could proceed to the next step.

I had taken the morning off work this one Friday in late June to have all of my pre-op work completed. I had mentioned to my doctor during this visit that I had been experiencing some extreme shortness of breath that week so she added another test to the schedule to check it out.

I got home later that evening and all of a sudden started experiencing some major leg pain. My right leg was cramping and aching unlike anything I had ever experienced before. Imagine when you get a calf cramp…when it comes on, if you can stretch it out or stand up and stretch it, the cramp will go away. This felt like a calf cramp to the 100th degree that, no matter what I tried, I could not stretch it out. It hurt to sit; it hurt to walk; it hurt to stand…no matter what I did, it hurt! The pain was so severe that I got very light-headed and thought I was going to pass out!

Since the last time I felt lightheaded I was actually dehydrated, my husband thought it best to purchase copious amounts of Gatorade and have me drink them all night long. Did I mention how uncomfortable it was to get up and walk around? Imagine drinking bottle after bottle of water and Gatorade for about five hours straight…get the picture!?!

The next morning, I was still in a lot of pain and my leg was actually starting to swell. I decided to go to a clinic to see if they could give me something for the pain. When the doctor saw my leg, she measured it and said I should go to the ER and have them look at my leg; she said she’d feel better if they helped me first. So I left the clinic and went straight to the ER. The ER nurses put me in a room and ran some tests. They drew some blood and had a tech come in and do an x-ray on my right leg. About five minutes after the tests were done, the ER doctor came in and told me I had a blood clot in my leg and was being admitted to the hospital. About four hours later, I was in a private room in the hospital, where I stayed for the next three days. Now how’s that for a summer vacation!?! 😦

It all boiled down to some medication I was on, that mixed with my age, had a high probability of developing a blood clot…well, they were right. For once, I was the one in a million, billion, whatever the number was…just not the “one” I wanted to be! And with the blood clot, I was told that anything having to do with baby-making, fertility, whatever, was on hold for the next SIX months!

After all of it settled down and I was out of the hospital and getting back to regular stuff, I finally realized that I had blinders on my eyes. I was so focused and so driven to see my baby dreams come true, that I had completely tuned out God and His plan for this part of my life. I had basically told Him, “Hey, I found a way to make this happen faster instead of waiting on Your timing, so I’m going this way, instead of Your Way.” See what doing it “my way” got me!?! Six months of waiting…more freakin’ waiting!!!

HELLO 2015!!!

December 31st was the last day that I had to take my blood thinners. I used some of that six-month time to focus on God and His plan for our lives. I learned that I need to be content with my current place in life; to enjoy the time my husband and I have left in our “coupleness” before kids come along; and to enjoy that we can pick up and go out or grab a bite to eat without having to find a babysitter. And I also learned that no matter what the future holds, two things will never change: (1) God’s love for me is constant, unwavering and forever, and (2) so is my husband’s love.

I recently went back to the fertility doctor and visited with her on our next step. She gave us some options and said to let her know how we decide to proceed. This year, I’ve removed the blinders. I’m still focused and driven and my sights are still set on the baby dream, but this time, I’m doing it God’s way! I’m going to let Him tell me which option to choose and trust in His timing and His plan. 🙂
Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV), “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

Hebrews 12:1-3 (NIV), “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

Approval Seeker

Okay, raise your hand if you constantly seek approval for the things you do? Or, if you sometimes (fibber) seek approval for the things you do?

You can’t see me, but I’m not only raising my hand, I’m jumping up and down so you can see that my hand is raised high in the sky!!! Sad, I know!

I’m really bad at this! I try my best to be humble and most of the time I can succeed at being humble. But when I do something really well or create something that’s really beautiful or write something that I think is profound, I really want someone to comment on it and tell me, “Good job” or “Way to go”. Or like when I really clean the house. Sorry about this…I love my house to be clean…I just don’t want to be the one that has to do the work! So, when I really clean it and it sparkles, I want my husband to (1) notice and (2) tell me how great it looks! Really, is it too much to ask!?!?!!

So, here’s the basis for why I’m writing about this brutally honest subject. A few weeks ago, our women’s ministry at my church launched a new website and within that website we started a blog. As the editor and poster for all of our blog writers, I post about two blogs each week…giving each blog a chance to reach out and really soak in with our followers and to attract new followers. We’ve had some great feedback and “likes” to the blogs that have been posted over the past few weeks. Until this week. I posted my first blog on our new site and for days (really only a couple, but it seemed longer), we didn’t receive any new followers, “likes” or comments. I was pretty sure I scared off all of our current followers and any new potential followers. I refer to it as my “in-your-face” blog because I wrote about offense and being offended. Our women’s bible study is studying about offense this next semester, so I thought it’d be a great way to advertise for our group by writing a blog about it. If I have peaked your curiosity at all, you can check it out here (http://cherishedministriesfcfc.com/2014/01/26/who-me-offended/).

I say all of that to say this…why does it matter so much to me what anyone thinks of what I wrote? Do I really think that this one post is going to make people like me less? Compared to other blogs I’ve read it’s not very controversial; yet, it’s a topic that makes people feel uncomfortable. And because I know I don’t like to feel uncomfortable, I guess I was overly concerned about how the blog was received.

And just to prove what a great sense of humor God has…as I was writing this blog, I took a break and was looking on Facebook and ran across this post by Christine Caine:

Talk about snapping me back into attention!! And that’s really the only thing I need to remember…it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about me, says about me, likes or dislikes about me and my talents, gifts and abilities…the only One I need to concern myself with is my Heavenly Father. He loves me unconditionally, all the time, every day, no matter what!!

“…For God has said, ‘I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.’ So we can say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?’” ~Hebrews 13:5-6 (NLT)

Always in our Hearts

As 2013 comes to a close, I wanted to say a final good-bye to close out the year. It’s been an interesting year, but one with more heartbreak than I’ve ever experienced before.

The year began like any other, then a couple of months in, we received the most joyous news. Our dream of becoming parents was finally coming true! All the hours we’d spent on planning, discussing baby décor, names and the number of kids we wanted to have, we were finally on our way to having our very own family. The discussions on room décor were starting to take shape as we decided you were a boy as we had long prayed you’d be.

Sadly, the joyous time was short-lived, as our happiness turned to heartbreak. You were gone in the blink of an eye. The excitement and joy we had over you in one breath, was quickly gone in the next. I imagined you would’ve been as handsome as your dad, with his dark hair and shining green eyes. I guess when the time comes for us to see you again, I can see how close I was to my vivid imagination.

I thought of you a lot since that time. You would’ve been born at the end of October, so you would’ve had your first Christmas this year. I imagined I would’ve had a lot of fun shopping for you on Black Friday with my mom and sister, the way we shop for my nieces every year. I imagine your dad would’ve gone with us…mostly because he’s just a big kid version of you anyway! I imagine all the toys I would’ve had to put back on the shelf, telling your dad that we’re not made of money and that you’re too young for most of the toys anyway! But it would’ve been fun.

I imagined you at Christmas when I was decorating the tree. You would’ve had your first ornament on the tree…Baby’s 1^st Christmas. You would’ve had the cutest Christmas outfits and I’m sure sweater vests because that’s what your dad likes. I imagined placing you in Santa’s arms at the mall for your first-ever picture with Santa. Unlike your cousin who didn’t care much for Santa this year, I imagined that you would’ve just lain quietly in his arms as if you were lying in the arms of Jesus. You would’ve had your first trip to Santa Land and the beginning of many other traditions I’m anxious to start with our family.

It was a different kind of year, thinking of what could’ve been that never was. Your dad and I miss you dearly and we will always love you. I just wanted you to know that you’re not forgotten. You’ll always be in our thoughts and memories, but above all else, you’ll always be in our hearts!

Writer’s Block

Writer’s Block. It. Stinks. And I have it! Now I’m going to sit here and write a blog about writer’s block and how much it stinks! =)

I want to be posting regularly on my blog, but I just can’t come up with good stuff to write right now! I have a topic that I’ve been working on for about a week now. I’ve worked on it 3 different times and I just can’t convey in writing what I’m trying to say! That’s really weird for me. I’m really good at writing what I can’t verbally say…except this time! And it stinks! I just keep thinking the next time I open it up, the words will flow out of me and it’ll be the greatest and most encouraging blog I’ve written. I open the document…re-word a sentence or two and then…NOTHING! NADA! ZILCH! EMPTY THOUGHTS! It stinks!

I read a scripture the other day that really spoke to me. I thought, “This is great! I’ll blog about this!” So, I opened up a blank Word document, starting writing and BAM! Jumbled thoughts! Nothing I wanted to say was coming to mind to write about!

I guess it’s just the time of year. My mind is constantly going in a million different directions at any time of every day. Too. Much.

So, here I sit, writing a blog about having writer’s block and subjecting YOU to READ IT! Did I say this STINKS!?!!

To the many topics sitting in a Word document on my computer just waiting to be written, I hope to write you soon!

To my brain…CHILL OUT!!! I want to be doing something more productive with you so TAKE A BREAK!!! PLEASE!!!

To you, my loyal followers…sorry I subjected you to such a mindless topic! I hope to bring you a much more exciting topic…or at least something worthy of your time to read VERY SOON!

To my writer’s block, I say BE GONE!!!!!

God’s Peace

There’s something to be said for truly and fully giving your grief over a loss to God.

Last week, we held our annual women’s retreat in Ruidoso, NM. One of the breakout sessions I attended was on the subject of releasing your grief to God over a loss suffered directly or indirectly due to death, sickness, accident, divorce, etc. The part of the class I was most interested was the symbolic balloon release that happened after the class. All the participants were given a balloon and the opportunity to “name their grief” on the balloon. After the balloons were ready, everyone went outside where the class leader said a few words, prayed and then allowed people to release their balloon “only when they were ready to let it all go.”

As many of you already know from earlier blogs, my husband and I lost a baby due to miscarriage earlier this year. Earlier this week, Oct. 30, was the original approximate date given for our baby to be born. I’ll be honest and tell you that I was not looking forward to this date AT ALL!! I compared it to how I felt on Mother’s Day this past year. I was really looking forward to Mother’s Day until I had the miscarriage. It was a pretty rough week leading up to the day, but I did survive it with the help of my husband, family and friends. For Oct. 30, I was expecting myself to be a blithering mess, not able to work for all the tears and sniffles and just not fun to be around for anyone.

But, that was not the case. The day came and went pretty uneventful. I told my husband that evening that I believed it had a lot to do with the balloon release the previous week. I said above that the balloon release was during our “women’s” retreat, but my husband is one of the few men in our church that attend to help us out with heaving lifting, hanging decorations and security during our weekend event. Since I knew he would be there and the loss was shared by both of us, I asked him to do the balloon release with me; something we could do together.

As with others there, we cried, we hugged and held on tight to each other. Letting go of the loss of a child we never met, never got to see, with the exception of the few weeks we saw the baby on the ultrasound monitor, but a baby we loved so much and were ready for the changes the little bundle of joy would bring to our family life was a freeing experience. We both held on to the balloon and when we were both ready to “let go”, we let the balloon named “baby boy Hyden” float into the air…up, up and away into the clouds.

I never expected that experience to be as freeing as it was. And it didn’t really feel “freeing” at the time. But as the retreat ended and I’ve gotten back into the normal busyness of life, this week has also come and gone. I thought of my baby often this week and especially on Wednesday, but never to the point of utter and uncontrollable sadness. I still cry and still get sad, but God has taken my grief and replaced it with His peace. The kind of peace only He provides.

“Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything you can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” ~Philippians 4:7 (NLT)

The Master’s Plan

Many of you know that earlier this year, my husband and I were expecting our first baby. And then shortly after we found out, I had a miscarriage and we lost the baby. As I’ve gone through this year, I often check the calendar to see where I would’ve been had my pregnancy not ended. With the month of October, the thoughts surround me quite often, as this would’ve been my ninth month of pregnancy. My due date was estimated to the end of October.

Had everything worked out, I’d be preparing to go on maternity leave with my job. For those of you that don’t know, I’m a government employee, too. No one in our office has been furloughed yet, but the impending thought hangs over our office like a very dark cloud. I can’t help but think how much extra stress my husband and I would be feeling right now, if I were about to take my maternity leave, only to realize that all the sick time and vacation time I had saved to cover my maternity leave was about to vanish in the blink of an eye.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

When things happen in our lives that we don’t plan or don’t want to happen, we have a tendency to blame God for those circumstances. We have never once blamed God for the miscarriage we had. We’ve asked “Why?” but never blamed Him. The devil is the one that steals our dreams, kills our hopes and destroys the things we hold dear. But God comes to give us life. And not just life…ABUNDANT LIFE!! The devil may have temporarily stolen a dream from us, but God is going to restore that dream. And not just restore what was stolen…restore it 100-fold!

I can’t help but think this current time I’m enduring at work is a small answer to the “Why?” question. It could just be my own human mind trying to make sense of a tragedy that I suffered. God knows our future. He knows what’s ahead. He sees what we cannot see. God sees the BIG picture. God doesn’t take our future from us; he prepares us for what’s ahead.

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us…” ~Ephesians 3:20

Our dream is soon to be restored and I look forward to that coming day. Right now, I sit and pray and wait expectantly for the “exceedingly abundant” things to come. No matter what our future holds, God is taking care of us, providing for us and preparing the way for the ABUNDANT LIFE He has for us!!

Mother’s Day

Seeing that the day has already passed, it seems a little late to be writing a blog on Mother’s Day. However, not knowing exactly how I was going to get through this day this year, I thought it best to wait and write about it afterwards, which brings me to right now.

In the last few years, I never ever looked forward to Mother’s Day. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother and to have a special day to honor her is always nice. But for me, personally, it wasn’t a day I ever looked forward to.

As I’ve gotten older and my desire to have children and be a mom has increased, seeing a day that is designated to celebrate Mom’s just made me sad for something I didn’t already have.

This year was going to be different. When I found out in late February that I was pregnant, I was so excited that I was finally going to get to celebrate Mother’s Day. I would be about 15-16 weeks when the date rolled around. But as I soon learned, it wasn’t going to happen quite as I had originally envisioned. As many of you know, we had a miscarriage in April and lost our baby at 7 weeks and 1 day.

Up until the actual holiday day, I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to handle it. I found myself to be quite emotional in the days leading up to Mother’s Day. Just the thought of the day or the mention of the day would send me into uncontrollable tears. But, as I am still in mourning over our loss, it’s okay that I cry.

Every Mother’s Day in church, they always have all the moms stand to be recognized, to be prayed over or to be given flowers. When I arrived, I still hadn’t decided how I was going to react and if I was going to stand with the rest of the moms.

But then I realized something, that although my child isn’t physically present with me, it doesn’t diminish the truth that God did bless me and my husband with a child earlier this year. It doesn’t diminish the truth that we are still parents, even though our child is already in heaven. I have nothing to be ashamed of to stand proudly with the other moms and celebrate this day.

So I stood with the rest of them and accepted the prayer that was spoken over all the moms. Then our Pastor’s wife spoke about our sphere of influence. She told us that whether we have children or not, we are all aunts, sisters, leaders and friends. She said we need to look around us to those that we’re around at work, at home, at school, at church or wherever we may be and be a strong influence for those we encounter; to guide those around us, to show them God’s way and to be a light to the dark places around us.

I know that God is going to bless us with children again, when His timing is right. Until then, I’m going to take this lesson and do my best to influence those around me in a positive way. As a wise friend recently told me, I’m also going to let God be in the driver’s seat and give Him complete control over my life. By doing that, I can sit back and enjoy the ride!

Curveballs of Life

In baseball terms, a curveball is a type of pitch thrown with a characteristic grip and hand movement that imparts forward spin to the ball causing it to dive in a downward path as it approaches the plate. There’s also an expression “to throw a curveball” essentially meaning a significant deviation to a preceding concept.

I use the term as to say “a slight or quick shift in the normal happenings of life” or another, easier way to say it, I guess, would be “to have the rug pulled out from underneath you.” Anyway you say it, you’re basically meaning that life has shifted unexpectedly and left you with many unanswered questions. If we’re left in this state too long, forgiveness and bitterness begin to creep into our existence making it harder, and many times, more impossible, to move on from this point in our lives.

I, though, am choosing to look to God through the recent circumstance that has “thrown a curveball” into the normal, steady life of me and my husband.

As a young girl, I had the same dreams as many other young girls: grow up, get married to a very handsome man and have lots of children and live happily ever after! For the past ten years, I have been happily married to a very handsome man. And I’ve been patiently (well, trying to be) waiting to be a Mom.

I’ve had many, many friends have their babies and begin to raise their families. I’ve hosted countless baby showers for those friends, all the while wondering, “when will it be MY turn!?!” I’ve prayed, I’ve fasted and every time, the same request: “Please God, when it’s our turn, I pray that we get pregnant right away, the first time so that we can start our family with our healthy and beautiful triplet boys.” Same prayer, all the time, never changing.

Lately, I had been noticing a few different and unusual things going on in my body, so I decided I’d take a home pregnancy test to see if my assumptions were correct. I was working from home one day, so I decided it would be a good day to try a pregnancy test since I had the whole day to test my theory, with no one around, just in case I was wrong. Well, two (yep, had to double-check my initial findings) pregnancy tests later and I was ecstatic with overwhelming joy & no one to tell (the downside of being home alone)!

I started by praising God for giving me this miracle that I had dreamed of for so long. I called the doctor’s office to schedule an appointment for the official test (this was my first time and I wanted to be 100% sure). Then, I plotted on the correct time and method to tell my husband. Should I wait for doctor confirmation, just in case? Or should I tell him when he gets home from work?

Well, it’s hard for me to keep really exciting secrets like this, so I had to tell him…it was just too much to hold in. It was bad enough I was going to my workout class the next morning and wasn’t telling my friends; I at least had to go ahead and tell my husband. Needless to say, he was as overwhelmed and excited as me…a dream come true that we had always wanted!

The next day I went to the doctor, received the confirmation I needed and was then given booklets upon pamphlets of useful pregnancy knowledge I wasn’t currently aware of. I called my husband on the phone after the appointment to give him the good news and found myself speechless and crying; so much joy, I couldn’t even process it all. We called our families the next day, crying as we told them. Then, we told all of our friends at church the day after that.

There were screams of excitement, screeches of joy and tears of happiness at our news. Our friends were just as excited as we were to start this new adventure; chatterings of baby showers and decorations and themes began to circle around. Everyone was excited and everyone was ready to see us through our journey.

Our first ultrasound appointment was scheduled for two weeks from my initial visit to the doctor’s office. I was told at that initial appointment that I was 5weeks and 2 days already. By the time my appointment would roll around, I would be one day shy of 8 weeks. My husband and I were so excited because we were going to hear our baby’s heartbeat for the very first time!

I signed up for every baby website I could find. I tracked the status of our baby’s size week by week. I believe at 7 weeks, he (faith speaking) was the size of a blueberry. We had a lot of fun with the weekly updates, learning the size of our baby from week-to-week, seeing what was developing each week. We were fully enjoying all the aspects of being pregnant. I was certainly feeling all the aspects of being pregnant; nausea (no morning sickness, though, yea!), extreme tiredness and always hungry.

The day of our first ultrasound appointment had finally arrived. We saw the baby on the screen; we could actually make out the head, arms and legs…it was really small, but really cool. We were disappointed, though, when the ultrasound tech couldn’t locate a heartbeat. She measured the baby to be smaller than initially claimed, so instead of being almost 8 weeks, I was closer to 7 weeks and 1 day. The doctor decided to give it another week and we set another ultrasound appointment for the following week.

We were pretty disappointed about the heartbeat at first. Many of my friends told me that it was common not to hear the heartbeat at 7 weeks. Even though the heart starts beating at 6 weeks, it was still a common thing to not hear it until much later; more like between 8-10 weeks. We were relieved to hear that! The rest of the week went by very uneventful.

We went to our next ultrasound appointment the following week, excited to finally hear the baby’s heartbeat. We went through the same process as the previous week, with the same result…still no audible heartbeat. This time, we were armed with information that it could still be too early to hear the heartbeat, so we were unfazed. Until we met with the doctor after the ultrasound and she told us the baby hadn’t grown at all in the week since our last appointment. I was still measuring at exactly 7 weeks and 1 day.

I’m not sure of my husband’s thought process at that exact moment, but my mind was still searching for possibilities and reasons everything was still okay and that this was normal. The doctor was trying to be reassuring, but she had the sad, puppy-dog face going so it was hard to find the normalcy and the “everything is still going to be okay” attitude that I was trying so hard to maintain. She told us she wanted me to get two blood tests done, to check my hormone levels, which in her opinion, were dropping. The blood tests, in her not-so-subtle terms, were a final determination that we had experienced a miscarriage and our baby was gone.

We left the doctor’s office and went on what seemed at the time, a scavenger hunt of labs in the area for my blood tests. After locating a lab office after our 5th location try, I had my blood drawn. According to the medical form I had to take with me to the lab, the results were requested as “STAT!”; seriously, it was written in all caps, exclamation point and circled about 6 times…they were serious about getting the results fast! I was told to go back to the same lab again, two days later, for the same blood test with the same request of “STAT!”

We went back to the doctor’s office after the first blood test to retrieve my husband’s truck so we could each go back to work. As we sat in my car, the heaviness of what we’d been told finally took effect on us and we can began to sob in each others’ arms. How could the one thing we had waited on, for so long, be slowly ripping away from us at such a quick pace?

We sat there for a while, just holding each other, crying and wondering how the tables had turned so quickly. Seriously, where did that stinkin’ curveball come from? Many of our friends knew our appointment was that day, so I was beginning to get texts from them asking how it went. My husband and I parted ways and went back to work; but only after I assured him I was going to be okay. Well, I guess I was wrong…those feelings were way more than I could handle. I cried all the way back to work and I cried in the parking lot of my work. I ignored every text I got from friends and family. And when the texts went unanswered and my friends began calling, I ignored those as well. I hadn’t even come to grips with what the doctor told us and there was no way I could verbalize, much less, text to someone and tell them.

While I was back at work, trying to keep to myself and finish the day, I finally emailed my Mom. I gave her a brief synopsis of what the doctor told us and told her I just couldn’t talk right now. She responded by saying she was “so very sorry” and to call when I could. One of my co-workers stopped by my desk to ask about the appointment. When I told her it was “fine” and never turned my head, she knew something was wrong. The only words it took after that were, “Are you sure?” and I turned my head to her and simply said, “No.” My tears were uncontrollable after that and she just hugged me like a Mom would and let me cry it out. She didn’t ask for details, she just let me cry it out and then left me alone. After that, I left work early and went home. I couldn’t even make it out of my car in the driveway without crying uncontrollably for what seemed like an eternity. I finally found enough courage to text a couple of my closest friends to tell them what I’d told my Mom and then I went to bed and cried some more.

Friends had dinner delivered to us later that evening, but we still kept mostly to ourselves. I did manage to go to work the next day, but it was a nice relief because my co-worker had informed the rest that things were not good and not to disturb me with appointment questions. We did experience a glimmer of hope later in the week after the second blood test. Two days after my initial blood test, I went back for the second test. My doctor’s office called later that morning to say that my hormone levels were going up, instead of down, which turned out to be a good thing. There was still hope and they set another ultrasound appointment for the first part of the following week. If the baby showed signs of growth, there were positive possibilities that we could continue with my pregnancy. But, if the baby didn’t grow still, we were pretty much done.

It’s amazing what the smallest glimmer of hope can give you; it definitely renewed my faith in the impossibilities of life. The tiniest of miracles that God can work were within our reach and I was excited to see what the next week held. I sent a text to our families and a small group of my closest friends with our exciting news. We were all praying, believing and looking forward to the next appointment.

The next appointment finally rolled around and we took a final peek at our baby. Sadly, the news was the same, the baby hadn’t grown and I was still measuring at 7 weeks and 1 day. The doctor gave us our options and we decided to give it a few days to see if my body would naturally “do its thing” or if I would have to schedule another appointment to finish out the process.

We relayed the news to our family and friends and began the waiting game to see what our next step would be. This time, the appointment didn’t seem so rough. The initial shock had worn off from our last appointment and we were just left with our feelings of sadness and loss.

My body ended up not taking care of the natural process, so I scheduled an appointment to have everything removed. The procedure was quick and uneventful, but provided me a day of much-needed rest. Now, we’re just waiting on a follow-up appointment with my doctor to clear us so that we can start over again.

Curveballs come through our lives when we least expect them. There’s really no way to prevent them, but we can overcome them. The only way I know how to overcome them is by having God a daily part of my life. With Him, curveballs come and go, lessons are learned and life moves forward. With Him, the life moving forward part is so much easier and peaceful and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Rest in peace, Baby Hyden! God took you home at 7 weeks and 1 day, but we know we’ll see you again very soon. Mommy & Daddy love you & miss you so very much!!

Hello world!

Hello Everyone! Welcome to my blog! I’ve been wanting to start a blog for a very long time and finally took the leap.

I think what took me the longest in deciding, was finding an appropriate name for my blog. As you can see, I chose “living by faith.” Let me start by saying that this is something that I work on every single day and have no way perfected it! But, as my pastor says, “Call those things that be not, as though they are.” (Romans 4:17) Hopefully, I can do that and live my life by faith on a daily basis, giving everything to God.

Anyway, I’ll be posting blogs from time to time and I hope you enjoy them.

Thanks for reading!!

Kara =)

living by faith

Living out the life God gave me day by day

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