Tag: dreams

My First Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day was a few weeks ago.  And for me, it was my very first Mother’s Day. It should’ve been my eighth, but it was my first.

You see, back in 2013, I would’ve celebrated my first mom-to-be Mother’s Day, but that dream was very short-lived.  In March, we had reason to celebrate that it would be a great year. But by April, we were wiping away our own tears and not in a celebratory mood. Our baby at the time didn’t survive past seven weeks.  Mother’s Day that year was just a mix of sadness, tears and broken hearts.

The next several years were mixed with waiting and trying and waiting and trying and waiting.  Lots and lots of waiting and lots and lots of praying.

Then in early 2020, before the world shutdown, we found out we were pregnant! You’d think it would be hard to be pregnant in such an environment as 2020, but it really wasn’t. I got to be at home most of my pregnancy, resting and relaxing and getting ready for our sweet boy’s arrival.  I know 2020 holds a lot of bad memories for people. But for us, 2020 was the year our dream came true; the year our prayers were answered; the year we brought home our son.

For Mother’s Day, my husband made sure it was extra special since it was the first one we got to celebrate.  He sent me flowers and showered me with sentimental gifts, all of which I love and wear proudly. But for me, the best part about Mother’s Day was introducing my son to his great-grandmother for the first time, face-to-face. You see, my grandmother has been in a nursing home for the past few years.  And with 2020, I had to tell her about my pregnancy through a glass door; we didn’t get to celebrate at all.  So, seeing her this weekend in person for the first time in over a year and introducing her to her newest great grandbaby was the highlight of my whole day! It was a beautiful day, and I will hold all the memories close to my heart for many years to come. For the women still waiting for your little miracle, keep praying and believing! I know the words fall short, because they always did for me on this day every year but do it anyway. My heart breaks with yours because I’ve been there. But I believe that one day soon, you’ll see your prayers answered, too!

My 1st Mother’s Day with my son, James
My grandmother meeting my son for the first time, face-to-face

Letting Go of My Dream

Over the past couple of days, I’ve come to the realization that I need to let some things…one thing…go.

There’s this dream I have.  I’ve had it for a very long time…probably since I was a young girl.  I’m still holding on to it and I do believe that one day it will happen.  But I’ve come to realize that this dream has started to suffocate me.  I’ve made this dream the very center of my being.  I’ve let it become the one thing I think about day in and day out.  The obsession I’ve cultivated for this dream has been causing me lots of mental anxiety and stress.  And I just don’t know if I can continue like this without a complete breakdown!

But I’ve also noticed that I’ve pulled away from God because of this dream obsession.  Don’t get me wrong, I still go to church and read the Word, but my heart just isn’t in it.  A couple of weeks ago, I stood at the back of the worship service.  I tried to sing, but I just couldn’t.  One of the lines of the song they were singing said, “Your love never fails.”  I started to sing it and then I stopped.  And I thought, “I know Your love never fails, but I just don’t believe it right now.  I don’t see You doing anything for me to prove that Your love never fails.  You’re not moving where I need You to move.  When I call out to You, there’s no answer.  Do You hear me?  Do You even see me, at all!?!” Very Christian of me, I know!!

So, I stood in the back, arms by my side, listening to the song and crying.  And then I stepped out and left the service. I’ve been told I can be a very stubborn person…and right now, with God, I truly believe it!

But being this stubborn with God hasn’t gotten me anywhere!  And the stubbornness is causing me the most stress because I just want to be angry with God. I want to be angry with Him because my dream hasn’t become a reality. The way I see it, people all around me are seeing their dreams fulfilled; people are receiving the dream I so desperately desire. And as I stand there and watch, I become angrier and more stubborn, because God isn’t answering MY dream!

But, I’m really not allowing Him to move or do anything for me either.  My eyes are completely blinded to ANYTHING He might be trying to do.

So the other night in my bible study class, we were watching a video.  I could really relate to this lady telling her story and the Lord allowed me to see a visual on this whole mess I’ve put myself into.  It’s like a rope or an object and I have my hand on it and I’m holding on really tight.  And by really tight, I mean white-knuckle-clenched-fist tight. And this is the conversation I had with God about my really tight grip:

God told me, “Let it go.”

And I said, “No! I can’t!  If I let go, my dream will go away!”

And God said, “Trust Me, Kara.”

And I replied, “I can’t.  If I don’t hold on, how do I know that it’ll happen? What if I never get it back?”

And God said, “I can’t move and do the things you want, until you ‘Let. Go.’”

And then I said, “I don’t know how.  I’ve been holding on tight for so long, I don’t know how to ‘let go.’”

And then God said, “It’s going to be okay. You can trust Me. My Word says that I will give you the desires of your heart. But I have to be able to move to do that and you have to let go, so that I can.”

Have you ever had to let go of something?  Of a dream?  Of something you’ve wanted for so long and didn’t think it was ever going to come?

That’s where I am right now…today…trying to “let go.”  And as I was getting ready this morning, I was thinking about that conversation with God and the visual He showed me.  Then a song came to my mind. A song with words that speak right to the heart of my situation and a gentle reminder of what God asked of me the other night.  The song is “Trust in You” by Lauren Daigle.

Letting go of every single dream

I lay each one down at your feet

Every moment of my wandering

Never changes what you see

I try to win this war I confess

My hands are weary, I need your rest

Mighty warrior, king of the fight

No matter what I face you’re by my side

When you don’t move the mountains

I’m needing you to move

When you don’t part the waters

I wish I could walk through

When you don’t give the answers

As I cry out to you

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in you

Truth is you know what tomorrow brings

There’s not a day ahead you have not seen

So let all things be my life and breath

I want what you want Lord and nothing less

When you don’t move the mountains

I’m needing you to move

When you don’t part the waters

I wish I could walk through

When you don’t give the answers

As I cry out to you

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in you

I will trust in you

You are my strength and comfort

You are my steady hand

You are my firm foundation

The rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher

Your plans are always good

There’s not a place where I’ll go

You’ve not already been

When you don’t move the mountains

I’m needing you to move

When you don’t part the waters

I wish I could walk through

When you don’t give the answers

As I cry out to you

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in you

I will trust in you

I will trust in you

I will trust in you

I’m visualizing loosening my grip and letting the color come back to my hand. I’m trying to remember what it means to trust God and how freeing it feels when I let Him move and do what only He can do.  I’ve done it before; it just seemed easier before…or at least it feels that way now, that it was easier to trust Him in the past.

I need to let go.  I will let go.  And I will put my trust back in God.  The only One that can make ALL my dreams come true!

Psalm 37:4 (NLT) “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.”

Psalm 18:30 (NKJV) “As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him.”

 

 

 

 

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

Picture this: you’re focused, you’re driven, you’ve set your sights on a dream you’ve had for a very long time and you can see this dream finally coming true after years and years of prayer and wishing and hoping…you’re like a racecar driver on the final lap of the big race and you’re in first place…you can see the finish line and in a few more feet, you’ll not only have touched it, but crossed over. In your peripheral view, you see the flag guy, but instead of the checkered flag in his hand, you see a yellow caution flag. You think to yourself, “What is that? There’s no one in front of me…I can see the finish line and I’m the only one.” But he’s waving the flag anyway and telling you to slow down. So you make a split second decision and decide to push through anyway because you know that nothing can stop you now…you’re so close and then….BAM!!!!

jan bam pic

That was my 2014!!!!

Oh how happy I am to see 2014 in my rear view mirror!! I don’t think I’ve ever been more excited to see one year end and another fresh, New Year begin!

Now that you have a great picture in your brain, let me explain what it all means.

My husband and I have long desired to have children and grow our family. We were given that dream a few years ago, only for it to be snatched away a few short weeks later through a miscarriage. As we are both not the spring chickens we once were, my doctor suggested I visit a fertility doctor. My husband didn’t really see a need for this as we were able to get pregnant once before. But, I thought it best to go and see what the doctor had to say and get things checked out…you know, just in case.

The initial appointments went good. There were a few minor things I needed to adjust, like my diet and exercise. After getting all of this adjusted, I was set to go in for an outpatient procedure as one final check to make sure everything was working properly and nothing was out of whack, so that we could proceed to the next step.

I had taken the morning off work this one Friday in late June to have all of my pre-op work completed. I had mentioned to my doctor during this visit that I had been experiencing some extreme shortness of breath that week so she added another test to the schedule to check it out.

I got home later that evening and all of a sudden started experiencing some major leg pain. My right leg was cramping and aching unlike anything I had ever experienced before. Imagine when you get a calf cramp…when it comes on, if you can stretch it out or stand up and stretch it, the cramp will go away. This felt like a calf cramp to the 100th degree that, no matter what I tried, I could not stretch it out. It hurt to sit; it hurt to walk; it hurt to stand…no matter what I did, it hurt! The pain was so severe that I got very light-headed and thought I was going to pass out!

Since the last time I felt lightheaded I was actually dehydrated, my husband thought it best to purchase copious amounts of Gatorade and have me drink them all night long. Did I mention how uncomfortable it was to get up and walk around? Imagine drinking bottle after bottle of water and Gatorade for about five hours straight…get the picture!?!

The next morning, I was still in a lot of pain and my leg was actually starting to swell. I decided to go to a clinic to see if they could give me something for the pain. When the doctor saw my leg, she measured it and said I should go to the ER and have them look at my leg; she said she’d feel better if they helped me first. So I left the clinic and went straight to the ER. The ER nurses put me in a room and ran some tests. They drew some blood and had a tech come in and do an x-ray on my right leg. About five minutes after the tests were done, the ER doctor came in and told me I had a blood clot in my leg and was being admitted to the hospital. About four hours later, I was in a private room in the hospital, where I stayed for the next three days. Now how’s that for a summer vacation!?! 😦

It all boiled down to some medication I was on, that mixed with my age, had a high probability of developing a blood clot…well, they were right. For once, I was the one in a million, billion, whatever the number was…just not the “one” I wanted to be! And with the blood clot, I was told that anything having to do with baby-making, fertility, whatever, was on hold for the next SIX months!

After all of it settled down and I was out of the hospital and getting back to regular stuff, I finally realized that I had blinders on my eyes. I was so focused and so driven to see my baby dreams come true, that I had completely tuned out God and His plan for this part of my life. I had basically told Him, “Hey, I found a way to make this happen faster instead of waiting on Your timing, so I’m going this way, instead of Your Way.” See what doing it “my way” got me!?! Six months of waiting…more freakin’ waiting!!!

HELLO 2015!!!

December 31st was the last day that I had to take my blood thinners. I used some of that six-month time to focus on God and His plan for our lives. I learned that I need to be content with my current place in life; to enjoy the time my husband and I have left in our “coupleness” before kids come along; and to enjoy that we can pick up and go out or grab a bite to eat without having to find a babysitter. And I also learned that no matter what the future holds, two things will never change: (1) God’s love for me is constant, unwavering and forever, and (2) so is my husband’s love.

I recently went back to the fertility doctor and visited with her on our next step. She gave us some options and said to let her know how we decide to proceed. This year, I’ve removed the blinders. I’m still focused and driven and my sights are still set on the baby dream, but this time, I’m doing it God’s way! I’m going to let Him tell me which option to choose and trust in His timing and His plan. 🙂
Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV), “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

Hebrews 12:1-3 (NIV), “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”