Tag: miscarriage

My First Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day was a few weeks ago.  And for me, it was my very first Mother’s Day. It should’ve been my eighth, but it was my first.

You see, back in 2013, I would’ve celebrated my first mom-to-be Mother’s Day, but that dream was very short-lived.  In March, we had reason to celebrate that it would be a great year. But by April, we were wiping away our own tears and not in a celebratory mood. Our baby at the time didn’t survive past seven weeks.  Mother’s Day that year was just a mix of sadness, tears and broken hearts.

The next several years were mixed with waiting and trying and waiting and trying and waiting.  Lots and lots of waiting and lots and lots of praying.

Then in early 2020, before the world shutdown, we found out we were pregnant! You’d think it would be hard to be pregnant in such an environment as 2020, but it really wasn’t. I got to be at home most of my pregnancy, resting and relaxing and getting ready for our sweet boy’s arrival.  I know 2020 holds a lot of bad memories for people. But for us, 2020 was the year our dream came true; the year our prayers were answered; the year we brought home our son.

For Mother’s Day, my husband made sure it was extra special since it was the first one we got to celebrate.  He sent me flowers and showered me with sentimental gifts, all of which I love and wear proudly. But for me, the best part about Mother’s Day was introducing my son to his great-grandmother for the first time, face-to-face. You see, my grandmother has been in a nursing home for the past few years.  And with 2020, I had to tell her about my pregnancy through a glass door; we didn’t get to celebrate at all.  So, seeing her this weekend in person for the first time in over a year and introducing her to her newest great grandbaby was the highlight of my whole day! It was a beautiful day, and I will hold all the memories close to my heart for many years to come. For the women still waiting for your little miracle, keep praying and believing! I know the words fall short, because they always did for me on this day every year but do it anyway. My heart breaks with yours because I’ve been there. But I believe that one day soon, you’ll see your prayers answered, too!

My 1st Mother’s Day with my son, James
My grandmother meeting my son for the first time, face-to-face

Renewed and Restored

purpose

March is known as the month where spring emerges; where grass starts to turn green, where flowers are in bloom and the leaves of trees begin to appear. March is kind of like the renewing season, a restoring of what once was but went away and is new again.

For me, March has always been a great month of celebration. When I was in high school, March was the month that my now-husband asked me to be his girlfriend. Mind you, it took him 45 minutes, standing in my parents’ driveway, to ask me to be his girlfriend. And the fact that I was in the shower when he arrived (I had a banquet to attend that evening) and I stood in that driveway with him with wet hair, no makeup and mismatched clothes, and he still asked me anyway…yep he’s a keeper!! 🙂

Two years after we had been dating, another great thing happened in March. His little sister was born on our exact anniversary (bet you thought I was going to say we got married…haha…keep reading).

Looking many years into the future, another great day in March arrived…our wedding day! We got married 4 days before the date of our dating anniversary. And last weekend, we celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. I’ll let you do the math on that one to see how long we’ve really been together!! 🙂

So for us, March has always been a great time of year, with many things to celebrate. But last year, March took on a whole new meaning for us. Added to our month of great memories and celebration came sadness and disappointment. Last March was when we found out we were pregnant and then three short weeks later, found out we were no longer pregnant. What was once a great month had been shattered and our hearts broken into thousands of little pieces.

A year has now passed and the healing continues. I look back on this past week with excitement for our anniversary and all that we’ve accomplished in our 11 years of marriage. But I also look at this past week with a sadness that still resonates in my spirit; a longing for a hole to be filled and for something to take away the void that remains. The time is ripe for God to renew and restore us and for our broken hearts to be mended in a way that only God can.

As this blog was percolating in my brain this morning, the scripture I kept hearing in my spirit is found in Malachi 3:10. This scripture is mostly known for the references to tithing, but this morning I kept hearing over and over this one specific part, “…and see if I don’t open up heaven itself to you and pour out blessings beyond your wildest dreams.” POUR OUT BLESSINGS. This is going to be my scripture of renewing, of restoration…God is going to pour out his blessings on me and my husband and the family that He is going to give us and it will be BEYOND OUR WILDEST DREAMS!

The loss will always remain and the memory will always be there, but I stand at the ready for God to pour out His blessings on us that will be beyond our wildest dreams.

Always in our Hearts

As 2013 comes to a close, I wanted to say a final good-bye to close out the year.  It’s been an interesting year, but one with more heartbreak than I’ve ever experienced before.

The year began like any other, then a couple of months in, we received the most joyous news.  Our dream of becoming parents was finally coming true!  All the hours we’d spent on planning, discussing baby décor, names and the number of kids we wanted to have, we were finally on our way to having our very own family.  The discussions on room décor were starting to take shape as we decided you were a boy as we had long prayed you’d be.

Sadly, the joyous time was short-lived, as our happiness turned to heartbreak. You were gone in the blink of an eye.  The excitement and joy we had over you in one breath, was quickly gone in the next.  I imagined you would’ve been as handsome as your dad, with his dark hair and shining green eyes.  I guess when the time comes for us to see you again, I can see how close I was to my vivid imagination.

I thought of you a lot since that time.  You would’ve been born at the end of October, so you would’ve had your first Christmas this year. I imagined I would’ve had a lot of fun shopping for you on Black Friday with my mom and sister, the way we shop for my nieces every year.  I imagine your dad would’ve gone with us…mostly because he’s just a big kid version of you anyway!  I imagine all the toys I would’ve had to put back on the shelf, telling your dad that we’re not made of money and that you’re too young for most of the toys anyway!  But it would’ve been fun.

I imagined you at Christmas when I was decorating the tree.  You would’ve had your first ornament on the tree…Baby’s 1st Christmas.  You would’ve had the cutest Christmas outfits and I’m sure sweater vests because that’s what your dad likes.  I imagined placing you in Santa’s arms at the mall for your first-ever picture with Santa.  Unlike your cousin who didn’t care much for Santa this year, I imagined that you would’ve just lain quietly in his arms as if you were lying in the arms of Jesus.  You would’ve had your first trip to Santa Land and the beginning of many other traditions I’m anxious to start with our family.

It was a different kind of year, thinking of what could’ve been that never was.  Your dad and I miss you dearly and we will always love you.  I just wanted you to know that you’re not forgotten.  You’ll always be in our thoughts and memories, but above all else, you’ll always be in our hearts!

ornament

God’s Peace

There’s something to be said for truly and fully giving your grief over a loss to God.

Last week, we held our annual women’s retreat in Ruidoso, NM. One of the breakout sessions I attended was on the subject of releasing your grief to God over a loss suffered directly or indirectly due to death, sickness, accident, divorce, etc. The part of the class I was most interested was the symbolic balloon release that happened after the class. All the participants were given a balloon and the opportunity to “name their grief” on the balloon. After the balloons were ready, everyone went outside where the class leader said a few words, prayed and then allowed people to release their balloon “only when they were ready to let it all go.”

As many of you already know from earlier blogs, my husband and I lost a baby due to miscarriage earlier this year. Earlier this week, Oct. 30, was the original approximate date given for our baby to be born. I’ll be honest and tell you that I was not looking forward to this date AT ALL!! I compared it to how I felt on Mother’s Day this past year. I was really looking forward to Mother’s Day until I had the miscarriage. It was a pretty rough week leading up to the day, but I did survive it with the help of my husband, family and friends. For Oct. 30, I was expecting myself to be a blithering mess, not able to work for all the tears and sniffles and just not fun to be around for anyone.

But, that was not the case. The day came and went pretty uneventful. I told my husband that evening that I believed it had a lot to do with the balloon release the previous week. I said above that the balloon release was during our “women’s” retreat, but my husband is one of the few men in our church that attend to help us out with heaving lifting, hanging decorations and security during our weekend event. Since I knew he would be there and the loss was shared by both of us, I asked him to do the balloon release with me; something we could do together.

As with others there, we cried, we hugged and held on tight to each other. Letting go of the loss of a child we never met, never got to see, with the exception of the few weeks we saw the baby on the ultrasound monitor, but a baby we loved so much and were ready for the changes the little bundle of joy would bring to our family life was a freeing experience. We both held on to the balloon and when we were both ready to “let go”, we let the balloon named “baby boy Hyden” float into the air…up, up and away into the clouds.

I never expected that experience to be as freeing as it was. And it didn’t really feel “freeing” at the time. But as the retreat ended and I’ve gotten back into the normal busyness of life, this week has also come and gone. I thought of my baby often this week and especially on Wednesday, but never to the point of utter and uncontrollable sadness. I still cry and still get sad, but God has taken my grief and replaced it with His peace. The kind of peace only He provides.

“Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything you can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” ~Philippians 4:7 (NLT)

The Master’s Plan

Many of you know that earlier this year, my husband and I were expecting our first baby. And then shortly after we found out, I had a miscarriage and we lost the baby. As I’ve gone through this year, I often check the calendar to see where I would’ve been had my pregnancy not ended. With the month of October, the thoughts surround me quite often, as this would’ve been my ninth month of pregnancy. My due date was estimated to the end of October.

Had everything worked out, I’d be preparing to go on maternity leave with my job. For those of you that don’t know, I’m a government employee, too. No one in our office has been furloughed yet, but the impending thought hangs over our office like a very dark cloud. I can’t help but think how much extra stress my husband and I would be feeling right now, if I were about to take my maternity leave, only to realize that all the sick time and vacation time I had saved to cover my maternity leave was about to vanish in the blink of an eye.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

When things happen in our lives that we don’t plan or don’t want to happen, we have a tendency to blame God for those circumstances. We have never once blamed God for the miscarriage we had. We’ve asked “Why?” but never blamed Him. The devil is the one that steals our dreams, kills our hopes and destroys the things we hold dear. But God comes to give us life. And not just life…ABUNDANT LIFE!! The devil may have temporarily stolen a dream from us, but God is going to restore that dream. And not just restore what was stolen…restore it 100-fold!

I can’t help but think this current time I’m enduring at work is a small answer to the “Why?” question. It could just be my own human mind trying to make sense of a tragedy that I suffered. God knows our future. He knows what’s ahead. He sees what we cannot see. God sees the BIG picture. God doesn’t take our future from us; he prepares us for what’s ahead.

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us…” ~Ephesians 3:20

Our dream is soon to be restored and I look forward to that coming day. Right now, I sit and pray and wait expectantly for the “exceedingly abundant” things to come. No matter what our future holds, God is taking care of us, providing for us and preparing the way for the ABUNDANT LIFE He has for us!!